It’s a blustery winter day and I’m walking through a department store to avoid being out in the cold. I happen to be in the men’s department, and there is a gigantic sale. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch sight of a blue/green t-shirt with a Pacman on it. The next thought that enters my head shocks me: “Wow, Ex would love that shirt”.
My responsibility for dressing my Ex-Husband ended over two years ago now. And yet still, these little reminders slip in every now and then, like somewhere deep in my subconscious I’m still programmed to be his wife. It happened the other day when Ex’s birthday rolled around; it reminded me of how much he loved his birthday and how I always made such an effort to celebrate it with him and his family. It happens to various other Ex’s too. I’ll be walking through a store, and remember someone’s favorite salad dressing, or the fact that they didn’t like ginger on their food, or how they can’t stand mayonnaise. Note – these are three different men I’m referring to above, and yet I remember a detail from all of them that for whatever reason, I can’t seem to let go.
I’ll admit that I harbor. I harbor feelings of sentimentality or longing way beyond when most people should. I don’t attach to things, and carry very few objects that remind me of my past. In the absence of belongings I carry details that get triggered at the easiest moment. All it takes is walking by a place where an event occurred (it happened twice last week at a subway stop I don’t often frequent), recognizing a smell (baking powder, in my most recent example) or a movie (*sigh* Love Actually). All of these occurrences brought about a fond memory or two. Sometimes they are painful, because of what happened in the relationship, but mostly I just look at them with fondness. Truthfully, when I think about relationships past, the sign of success (even if the relationship wasn’t one) is that I can carry the memories and smile when I think about them. Sometimes it doesn’t happen right away, but the hope is that eventually, I’ll get there.
I still care for almost all the men that have played an important role in my life. In some cases, it’s even with people who have treated me quite shabbily. It doesn’t mean that I’m not angry or resentful; I’m those things, too. But I trust enough in myself to know that if I cared, then it was because there was enough good in that person worth caring about. The ending may be pretty far from fairytale, but somewhere in the story it was worth the telling. I don’t fault myself for caring, or for having these little trips of nostalgia. They aren’t a reflection on my current relationship and they aren’t a sign that I want to go back. Rather, I take them as little pieces that I’ve collected along the way; I store them in my memory box, and I bring them out whenever I need them.
Last night Office Guy came over for dinner, shared a bottle of wine and spent the night with me. This is the second time we’ve spent an evening like this since deciding to add benefits to our friendship. Over all the time we spent together was amazing. We talked, we laughed, we cuddled on the couch and yes… we got intimate (my favorite part
I sent him off this morning after making sure he had a hot shower and a good breakfast, he thanked me for a wonderful time and kissed me goodbye. Then I got lost. I spent most of the morning nursing a bit of a hangover and thinking about the conversations we had the night before.
If you’ve been following along on twitter or my previous posts then you know how hopeful I’ve been that this relationship will develop into something substantial. OG is truly the type of guy I want in my life, but repeatedly he informs me that he’s “not looking for a relationship” which is fine for now …. until he asks what is going to happen when he finds a girlfriend or I find a boyfriend? I have asked him over and over again not to say this to me the way he does, but it keeps happening.
I understand that he is trying to ensure I remain realistic and things will not get crazy or awkward between us, but I can’t help but feel insulted by the way he approaches this question and I wish he could see how hurtful it is to me personally. It’s the one thing I would change in him if I had that ability.
I can accept that he is not looking for a girlfriend “in me”, I still enjoy his friendship and the benefits and have no intention of changing our relationship, but I wish he would just say it like it is. If he is trying to protect my feelings he’s doing a lousy job. How can I make him understand that what he is doing is causing unnecessary emotions and insecurity in me?
I figured it was a good time for a little GoodbyeGal update.
With Valentine’s Day fast approaching I’d expect that a single chick, such as myself, to be putting in a little effort into alerting cupid that I am totally available… but I’m not. I feel no pressure, thankfully (at least not yet and I realize this could change in the next 10 min).
Things are progressing, albeit slowly, with Office Guy. I am taking it as a good sign that I received a drunk text from him over the weekend indicating that he was showing off my pictures to his sister, who he is very close with. To back this up I also received a text last night while watching the Grammys. An artists came on who we’d recently discussed and just as I was thinking of sending him a text about them I received one from him. I am on his mind and it’s a nice place to be.
We haven’t discussed anything related to Valentine’s day, but I already know he is not free that weekend. He’s a single dad and that happens to be a weekend with kid. Also, I don’t want spook him with any requests to spend time even if it’s a “platonic” non-date date. He has repeatedly expressed how he enjoys my company, what little we spend and the fact that he is reaching out to me outside of work as much as I him has me quite content with letting things just happen when they happen.
I’ve pretty much ditched all the other guys I’d been talking to, except The Boy.. who *is* just a toy and a very fun one at that. He’s got quite a packed schedule with School and a new job, but managed to make a house call this past weekend. We’ve reached the point where we have zero inhibitions with each other. I know his buttons and love to push them… from his reactions he seems to love it too
My online dating profiles are gathering dust and I’ve only logged on a few times over the past month to exchange messages with Rabbit, an agoraphobic (or as I like to pronounce it – angora.phobic – thus the nick name Rabbit). He came clean during our first phone conversation that he has this irrational fear of driving places, but assured me it was only long distances and traveling alone. It didn’t scare me off right away, but add to that his dislike of Seafood and much of the music I listen to and I just didn’t see us having a future. It was apparent to him that I was dismissing him and he begged a little that I would try to see past it all and “like him”, but that just showed him as insecure and un-confident, not too attractive when you already have some major strikes. What really sealed the deal were the multiple times he told me I reminded him of his Ex wife. Next!
As if the Rabbit wasn’t enough to send me into hiding from the male population for a while…. an old high school friend has been sending me flirty Facebook messages. I’d like to refer to him as Triple Nipple and yes, he had three nipples! I say had, because after scanning his photos it appears he has had it removed. I am still traumatized from the night I got an up close and personal look at it. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I was in a relationship at the time, he was dating my best friend, and he was drunk and throwing himself on me at a party… when he cornered me in a dimly lit bedroom and tore his shirt off I was shocked! He acted like it was no big deal… seriously!? Ew.
So, no I am not Looking for Love, I do not need a Valentine. I’m content (for now).
I am curious to know what you all have planned for the Big day of Love… I’ll happily live vicariously though you!
Ouch.
That’s the sound of my two worlds colliding. I know most of you come here for your dose of women-friendly stories and relationship news. However, I am an actual human being and sometimes leave the house to pursue other professional interests.
That said, I will be moderating a panel this week for the HPRA (Hispanic Public [...]
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There’s a phenomena out there that I’m sure a far more clever blogger has given a far more clever name, but for the purposes of my post, I’m going to call it “Gone Phishin’”. What is this, you ask? It’s when a man (or woman, but I can only speak from my experiences, so we’re going to go with man) that you’ve previously had sex with initiates some form of communication to see if you are still available for sex. Go ahead – run to the Urban Dictionary and see if this has already been defined (I’m curious, too).
Case in Point: Mr. Nice Guy. Mr. Nice Guy and I had a brief relationship during summer until I ran shivering from his house in need of a scalding shower and a pint of Rocky Road. I emailed Mr. Nice Guy to let him know that I would not be seeing him again, and that I hoped he had a nice life. He replied that he was disappointed but understood that my interests lied elsewhere. Fast Forward four months: I receive an “out of the blue” email from Mr. Nice Guy, asking me what’s going on and wishing me a New Year. I respond that things are well; I’ve spent the holiday with my boyfriend (careful not to say “new” boyfriend and imply that he was ever an “old” boyfriend) and that all is well.
I never heard back from Mr. Nice Guy, and I’m sure not one of you is surprised. Why? Because Nice Guy had just Gone Phishin’. We’ll presume his sexual well is dry, and that in an act of desperation (or perhaps, logistics), he’s returning to the previous pool of fish to see if there is any he can still pluck from. I’m thoroughly amused by these efforts and can honestly say I’ve Gone Phishin’ on occasion once or twice, although I will say for me, it was before I was married. Let’s face it, when you’ve had some sex you like (or, in the case of Mr. Nice Guy, a warm body probably would have sufficed), then why not see if that door is still open? For all he know, he might have caught me in a moment of horny desperation. And you really can’t blame a guy for trying.
My longest running case of Gone Phishin’ is Mr. Office Affair. He and I hooked up in, um, the office more than 12 years ago when I was in college. A return to my homeland prompted a message from Facebook, and we met up for coffee. While Office Affair is still a good guy at heart, his life is a moving train wreck with no scheduled stops in sight. While I remember the sex being quite good, I have no interest in hoping aboard the Drama Express for a trip down Memory Lane. Yet still, I systematically get instant messages from Office Affair hoping to “catch me”, and to “get together” to “see what we’re doing”. I’m either really memorable, or the well of available females is drying up in this area. Somehow, I doubt it’s either.
So, I’m not here to criticize the Gone Phishin’ technique – just more to highlight that it exists, and not to fall for it if a former paramour is suddenly interested in your whereabouts or life events. Chances are, they really aren’t. They are more concerned by the potential color of your underwear and to see if you can still do that thing with your tongue. Like me, I hope you can all find both flattery and amusement in the efforts to reconnect by a former lover, and perhaps even more pleasure in knowing that frankly, you just aren’t interested.
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