Where is my Fairytale Divorce?

When we’re growing up, we get this fairytale notion of how our True Love will be.  We expect a broken heart or two (or ten) along the way, but once we find The One and we marry them, we know it will be forever.  We’re all aware of the disturbingly high divorce rates, but we know that just won’t happen to us.  By being a good person, we know that we can save almost any marriage – and if someone is cruel enough to cheat on us or abuse us or leave us when times are rough: well, who needs them anyway?  We’ll show them.

This post isn’t about our disillusionment with fairytale marriages. By the fact that you are reading this post, I’m sure you’re painfully aware of the harsh realities of failed love. This post is about the unexpected aftermath. Why is it that even when our glorious love has been brought to slaughter, we often don’t even get a noble aftermath to help us heal.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel deeply sorry for those who have been cheated on or abused and have a very rough road both behind and ahead, but this post seeks to explore another type of divorce. I’m in no way claiming that I would prefer to have that devastation, I’m just trying to make sense of the situation that I and many others are in.

I was more fortunate than most. I put off dating for a long time – I was 21 on my first date – but somehow, holding out had its rewards for me. The woman I met was the girl of my dreams and by some divine luck, this perfect angel loved me too. Our romance was the sappy stary-eyed obsession that Hollywood fails time and again to capture despites its myriad attempts. We were so sure of our love that after only a year and a half of dating we weren’t afraid of rushing into marriage because of our circumstances. Med-school was coming up for her, and we didn’t want to make her have to try to plan a wedding during med-school (the particular program she was planning on does not have summer vactions).

I’m sure you know by now where this is headed. I’ll skip the part where she removes my heart without anesthetic (she’d really better work on her technique or she won’t be much of a doctor)… the super-short version is that she just decided it was over after only 8 months. Neither of us had cheated or even had a wandering eye. There was no abuse. Heck, we still argued far less than most dating couples. She was just sad, and she said she needed to get out.

This is something we’re unprepared for our entire lives. It’s hard not to be aware of the looming possibility that no matter how great your relationship, when you enter a marriage you know it may fall apart. However, there is always that assurance in the back of your mind: “well, if they cheat on me or beat me; then I just deserve better!”. If tragedy comes to pass, you know that you can just pick yourself up and move on. This is the bigger surprise: not only are Fairytale Marriages rare, but there is a strong chance that you won’t even get a Fairytale Divorce.

If my ex-wife had cheated on me, I’d feel wronged and move on as if she were dead to me. If she had left because she thought I wouldn’t amount to anything, I’d drown myself in work and conquer the world and prove her wrong. If she thought I wasn’t attractive enough, I’d start dating a model. Regardless of the reason, if I’d been granted that Fairytale Divorce which is everyone’s subconscious backup plan – I’d be able to be strong, pick up the pieces and view myself as better-off in the end.

Enter reality: my wife leaves me and during the months of financial disentanglement, manages to slip in several seemingly-nice, but backup-plan-destroying words. She says “well at least you know I didn’t leave you because of money” (she’s convinced I’m going to be a billionaire), she says she’ll “always love me even if [she is] married to someone else”, and makes repeated complements about how great the sex was and how unfortunate it was to have to leave someone with my body. All of these things feel great for about a day. Then they start to completely drain your motivation. How can you fight when there is no dragon to slay!?

20 years from now even if I’m rolling in money, have a beautiful girl on my arm, and am changing the world for the better… she’ll just be somewhat happy for me. I know that sounds like a good thing, but even if she’s satisfied, I won’t be. I will not be happy for me. Since I didn’t have my Fairytale Divorce, there is no victory at the end of this road. No matter what I accomplish, no matter how great the next girl is, I will always have failed to get keep what I wanted most in my life.

Whether or not you’ve been gouged by the pain of being cheated on, abused, or in some other way horribly wronged, or if like me you’re left drop-jawed amongst the ruins, I wish you all the strength to move forward with whatever you have to do to make your life great again.